My brother just bought a new jacket...

Exhibit A, to our left, is the jacket in question. He bought it on the internet, which is very convenient [especially during the holiday season], and it looks very nice. By all accounts, it appears to be a great jacket, and, to be sure, I have no doubt that it will perform so for my brother. Still, I worry about the marketing team over at "SCOTTEVEST" charged with selling this baby. On a case-by-case basis they may be successful [after all, they were able to convince my brother to ignore "the spirit of Clive" and buy one]. However, on the whole, I wouldn't bet January's mortgage payment on the Christmas bonus if I were them, as they have unleashed their marketing push in entirely the wrong direction. Rather than simply an affordably-priced, effective winter-weather-blocker, this jacket should be hawked as "The SCOTTEVEST Save You Time At The Airport During The Crazy Holiday Travel Crunch Jacket" because it is pre-xray-security-screened, or "see-through" for the laymen among you, making the interminable wait in those Mississippi-like security lines among parents struggling to control screaming snot-spewing infants [or with your own screaming snot-spewing infants] a thing of the past. If I were independently wealthy, I would drop everything, hop in my web browser, navigate right out, and get one.

I'd also like to get my hands on a footwear model, so that I can quickly raise my leg and demonstrate the scarcity/utter lack of explosive materials cohabiting with my ten little piggies, rather than have to unleash, by removing my shoes, the real, yet curiously un-banned, weapon of mass destruction that lurks, with a consistency more akin to that of pudding than vapor, beneath the hems of my jeans. What is this weapon I speak of? Put away your "Jane's International Manual of Defense and Weapons Technology" - you won't find it in there. The weapon I'm referring to is the wafting aroma of old sausage and alaskan sourdough yeast starter [trenchfoot, foot funk, pediatry putridity, etc.] - uber-deadly, but as yet unappreciated for the taser-like efficiency with which it can dispatch throngs of holiday pilgrims and vigilant cadres of airport security personnel.